Overwhelmed

They say it's good to speak your feelings out, that bottling your emotions inside is unhealthy. Never go through things alone because it's just lonely.



I'd agree, but how do you talk about your feelings when you are constantly alone? Sometimes living alone gets difficult. Even with two other roommates, things still get lonely because we're just completely different people.

The overwhelming, anxious feeling comes from my mind, the place I hate to visit and the place I try to avoid. No one realizes how terrible my mind is and how bad I treat myself. But I digress. This post is not to complain about the messed up way my mind function, it is merely an outlet and boy do I need that outlet.

It is the end of fall quarter here at UCI. I've been studying, somewhat productively, these last few days hoping the information from the pages of my notes retains in my mind. Lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed and I'm starting to think it's because of finals week. In high school, I never studied and got good grades very easily so when I got to college that was a different story. It was a slap to the face as the realization that high school and college are two completely different things thrust itself upon me . (Excuse me while I cackle so hard at that sentence.) Stepping into the next chapter of my life made me straighten up and smarten up as I realized that I had to actually work hard.

Now, excuse me for not realizing this sooner. It technically was not my fault that high school came so easy to me that I barely tried. Yes, I was one of those kids who hardly did anything but got amazing grades. I take pride in that, but alas, that backfired as I am now struggling.

The feeling of being overwhelmed doesn't exactly come from finals week. It stems from the overall transition of high school to college. At first, everything was fine; I was okay living on my own and whatnot. Now, the sinking feeling of me being alone is gradually getting larger. I embrace the times when I'm with people because that feeling gets smaller and my mind doesn't wander of into it the cruel place I detest. I leave that for a different time, though.

I guess the overwhelming feeling just comes from my fears of failing and disappointing everyone around me. It's a fear I've always had and I'm afraid it will never go away. I've finished one final, so that eases me in a way.

Let's see how my next final goes.

Stay lovey,
Bianca